Current Mood: Great!
Current Song: My Funny Valentine (from the Talented Mr. Ripley soundtrack).
Gratuitous Valentine’s Day Post! Are you ready?
When I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn’t talk about two things: Relationships (including my singleness) and body image. So far I’ve stayed pretty true to this philosophy. But relationships are an undeniable part of life. So I’m breaking my own rules for the day.
The Embrace by Gustav Klimt
The other day, I had a really interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine about whether it is possible for women to have it all and what kind of partners those women look for.
There are women with a laundry list of things that they look for. Those women are lying to themselves.
The reason that we are stuck in the 30-year-old-single-successful-woman paradigm is because we believe that this level of independence and how we portray it is actually going to be conducive to happy relationships.
Guess what? It’s not.
While it sounds like I’m about to take the women’s movement back a few notches, I simply believe that women have learned to become so efficient that men get the impression that they are no longer needed.
If I can fix my car, cook Thanksgiving dinner, assemble furniture and paint my living room, what role does the man in my life play? Why do I even need one? While it’s well and good to know how to do these things, women need to evaluate what value their partners bring. Are we effectively just shutting them out with our DIY lives?
The pendulum has swung too far the other way. We are essentially a society of amazons. In order to be in a relationship, we as women, have got to realize that our partners need a stake in the relationship – a reason to stay, and a reason to care. They have a very necessary part to play as partners, lovers, fathers etc. Women, we sometimes take this away from them.
It’s a hard thing to realize, but the very necessary thing to do so before we can move on. Women, we are still women. Our needs in a relationship are different from men’s. While our roles are interchangeable to some degree, they were created for a reason.
The most important step to realizing this is to solidify your relationship with yourself. Stop for a moment and tell yourself the truth about who you are and what you want. If you’re like me, you’re tired of doing it all for yourself and by yourself and you need to sit in the passenger’s seat for a moment. It’s a hard thing to admit to oneself, but perhaps it’s the first step to recognizing your vulnerabilities. Who do you need?
All relationships are a negotiation. They are not a struggle for power, but a compromise. When we as women realize that we need to stop building walls around ourselves, allow ourselves to be taken care of (even if it for an evening), let someone else take charge for a second, we will be in a happier, more fulfilling place.
Stop struggling. Stop trying to keep the pendulum where it is and let it swing back a little bit. Nobody is trying to take away your happiness, except maybe yourself.
Some good stuff here Mehnaz!!
I’m slowly, slowly learning that if I really want a relationship with a man then I need to make some room in my life. It is so busy and full right now (of good things, but still) that even if a man were to come along there wouldn’t be space for him to fill. It’s hard I think because our natural inclination to stave off loneliness it to just DO SOMETHING. KEEP WORKING. But in the process we put up walls and fill in all the cracks so that it’s hard to let the right person through when he comes along.
I don’t think you’re taking the women’s movement back! think that men and women were created totally equally, but that we have very different roles to play, like you said. It’s a good thing when we let men be men!
Happy Valentines!
I totally agree, Sarah! I find that I always fill my life with things – anything that’ll keep me busy. It is a natural response for sure and sometimes we just have to be okay with empty space and allow for whatever happens to happen.
Happy V Day to you too!